I beckoned hope to come and soothe the fractured places of my life. It eluded me like sunshine on a cloud filled day.
The winds of change and uncertainty blew destruction over my life in 2018. Like a fragile mosaic it shattered in a million pieces. I sat stunned-broken among the shards of what I thought was my carefully constructed life. I was emotionally paralyzed by an overwhelming crushing sense of fear and sadness. I couldn’t put the fragments back, yet, I had no idea how to live amongst the unrecognizable shattered pleces of my life.
Where was God in all of this? I couldn’t see or feel His presence.
My trustworthy envoy of friends and family served as the scaffolding that supported me and held my shaky faith together. I needed people to believe in me and the depths of my of faith. Their words-their prayers carried me when I could not carry myself. For that I am grateful.
No soul should journey life alone. The pain-the loneliness can be soul crushing.
In the words of Lysa Terkeurst from her book, It’s Not Supposed to be This Way, “ Even the most grounded people can feel hijacked by the winds of unpredictable change.”
I don’t claim to be fully grounded but I do seek God, His will, and His word. Crisis has a way of shaking out the untruths we have staked our faith upon.
I have painstakingly discovered that I judge God’s goodness by the self proclaimed outcomes I want to occur in the situations of my life. On this side of Heaven, God doesn’t always tie a shiny red bow around our cirumstances. Life is messy and relationships are complicated. We don’t always get what we want.
I know He is sovereign, but I straddle the fence between belief and unbelief. I I try to reckon God’s sovereigty with the choices of other people. When the two collide I want Him to shield me from pain; make it go away. However, God in His wisdom honors free will. Sometimes, the choices made by those we love carry grave consequences. Sadly, we may be the collateral damage of their choices. That’s a bitter pill to swallow.
I know somewhere deep inside my heart that He is the Redeemer-the Restorer, but I grapple to find Him among the ashes of destruction. I tend to process His goodness through the tangled mess of my confusing thoughts and emotions. They seem to drown out the whispers of his comfort. And, comfort is exactly what I need. My heart needs a safe place to land-to heal.
John Eldredge says, “In the midst of crisis, heartbreak, or tragedy, you can seek God or you can seek understanding but you rarely get both. In time, usually after some time, God can help sort things out. But not in the midst of the storm. In the maelstrom, seek God. Interpretation comes later. Trust the Larger story. “
I have wrestled with God; fought hard for my healing. I am trusting there is a Larger Story. Now, a year later, hope seems less elusive; I see glimpses of it gingerly appearing on the horizon of my life. I am choosing to believe that my story isn’t over, there is more to come.
Good. will. come.
I still struggle to hear from God. Like a relentless child I keep asking Him to speak, to restore, to rebuild. I am choosing to trust that God is creating a brand new beautiful mosaic out of the shattered pieces of my life. I imagine Him tenderly picking up every broken piece, not a single one will be overlooked or discarded. God sees and creates in ways I don’t understand.
For me, this belief is a huge step of faith…
The other day, I went to the YMCA to attend a class. Movement is cathartic to me. The class was unexpectedly cancelled. I could feel disappointment seeping into my heart. It has become a far to familiar friend. When your beating heart is bruised, every challenge large or small irritates the healing wounds.
Choosing hope, I found a treadmill to walk on instead. As I looked down someone had left a scripture verse on a slip of paper. As I read the words of the psalmist, “ Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.” (Psalm 42:11) I know this was providential. God was speaking encouragement and validation over my life.
He still speaks… My heart knows it well but sometimes I need tangible evidence of His voice. He knows me and how I crave to hear His heart language of love. He encourages me to cultivate hope and praise Him again even though the pieces of my life are still a holy mess,
Friend, if within the context of your life, you find yourself broken in a million pieces… God will put you back together. I offer these comforting words from the song Defender, by Rita Springer.
When I thought I lost me
You know where I left me
You reintroduced me to your love
You picked up all my pieces
Put me back together
You are the defender of my heart.